Summary: Learning self-regulation is an important part of a child’s emotional development, but it’s a skill that takes time and support to build. This post should help parents understand what self-regulation is, why some children struggle with it, and provide practical, compassionate strategies parents can use to help their child develop stronger emotional regulation skills.

Introduction

Struggling with meltdowns with your kids? Wondering what you are doing wrong? Frustrated with being frustrated with it all? Too many intense emotions from your child is a lot for parents. And it’s easy to believe something is wrong with your child. Or wonder if you’re getting the whole parenting thing wrong.

Take a deep breath. Or two. Know that children are not born knowing how to deal with all the things life throws at them. Learning to regulate is not innate. Self-regulation is a skill that kids develop over time. As their brains develop, children are more biologically equipped to learn the skills. Part of healthy child development is learning to manage emotions. All kids need support with it. Some children just need a little more support than others.

What Is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to manage one’s emotions, thoughts and actions. Self-regulation for kids is no easy feat. Children’s brains are developing and are not fully developed until their mid-20s. This means that children don’t have the brain development to naturally regulate. This doesn’t mean they’re unable to learn skills to self-regulate while they mature. They just need to be taught the skills and a supportive environment to practice.

Although self-regulation is not an innate ability we are born with, it can be learned. It’s a learned skill often taught through parental and caregiver guidance. With repetition, opportunities to practice and support most children can learn to manage their emotions.

Why Some Children Struggle With Emotional Regulation

Most parents know that no two children are the same. Each child’s emotional regulation skills vary. Temperament is one factor that shapes a child’s relationship with emotions. For example, a child with a spirited temperament may experience more intense emotions. Some children also struggle with sensory sensitivities. Sensory sensitivities often create a stressful internal state for children.

Transitions and life changes can often influence a child’s ability to regulate emotions. You may have noticed the September return to school leads to more emotions in your child. Or even transitioning into a new environment, such as a new activity. Additionally, stress, anxiety or trauma have an impact on a child’s ability to manage their emotions.

And, lets not forget development!  A child’s age and development will impact their ability to regulate. As children (and their brains!) grow, they’re more able to learn and use emotional regulation skills. Emotional regulation for children is an ongoing journey.

7 Tips to Help Your Kids With Self-Regulation

So how do you help your child regulate their emotions? We’ll introduce you to 7 self-regulation strategies for kids. It’s important to remember successful self-regulation is not practicing one or two skills. Connection with your child is the key. No strategy will be effective if your child doesn’t feel connected to you. Don’t expect your child to perfectly use a strategy every time. With consistency and positive encouragement from you your child will get better at self-regulation. And remember that the pre-frontal cortex is still developing in children and teens.

Stay Calm During Big Emotions

Children often look to trusted adults to help them feel safe. Little humans are biologically designed to do so. A child’s nervous system co-regulates with the nervous systems of those around them. When a chid is struggling with calm, a parents calm becomes the balm to soothe their emotions. When helping kids regulate emotions, we need to stay calm with our emotions.

Let’s be honest. This is not always easy to do. Just as your child isn’t expected to be perfect, it’s important to give yourself grace. If you feel yourself struggling to remain calm, step away for a bit. If it feels right, tell your child you’re taking a few minutes to find calm and will help them with their feelings after. Take a few deep, calming breaths. Mindfully use your senses to slowly orient to the space around you until you feel calm. Feeling more like a Zen master, return to your child more ready.

Help Them Name Their Feelings

Emotions are felt sensations for which children don’t have words for. Building an emotional vocabulary helps children better understand their internal experiences. By giving names for the sensations they feel, your child will have the tools to tell you which emotion they’re feeling. Naming emotions helps with other emotional regulation activities. It can also help you to better support them. f your child can communicate their angry, you can try grounding exercise. If they share they are sad you might try soothing.

Additionally, research has shown that naming emotions helps reduce how intense they feel in the body. Once children understand what’s going on we’re one step closer to creating calm.  better understand and communicate what they are experiencing.

Create Predictable Routines

Does your home sometimes feel too rushed? Or all over the place? Having consistent and predictable routines can support emotional regulation for kids. Routines provide children with predictability.  When children know what is going to happen next they can feel more relaxed. When there is too much unpredictability children’s nervous systems experience more stress.

Good routines are predictable and flexible. Flexibility is important. Becoming too rigid with a routine will create distress for your child. Having a routine supports emotional regulation as your child is able to predict what is going to happen next in their day. This helps their brain access more calm throughout the day.

Teach Simple Calming Strategies

Most children are able to learn some tools to regulate. One simple strategy is encouraging your child to take a quiet break. Sometimes we call this ‘needing space’. A quiet break can be in a different room with soothing toys, a calming environment, and minimal sensory input. You can also create a quiet, calming space for your child in their room or a shared living space. Having a base with grounding tools can help. Creating a box with simple tools like squishies, a variety of sensory toys, colouring or drawing items, or other comfort items can be helpful.

Deep breathing can also be helpful grounding tool.  The Five Fingers Breathing Exercise is an easy strategy that most children can learn. Perhaps your child needs to move through their emotions without slowing down. Using movement such as dancing, jumping, or pacing can also help bring calm. Other simple grounding strategies can include washing their hands with cold water. Or playing with ice. As you both learn grounding tools, notice what your child is taking to.

Practice Emotional Regulation During Calm Moments

Emotional regulation skills are easier to learn outside of moments of distress. The best time to introduce a skill isn’t when your child is in the throes of a tantrum. At this point their brain is in fight/flight/freeze. The brain is physiologically incapable of learning a new skill.

When your child is calm their brain is fully online. They’ll be better able to retain information. Regular practice during calm moments can help them remember when dysregulated. Practicing during calm moments also helps your child’s nervous system remember. Your child will have a felt sense of knowing their new skill when they felt safe. This can help them access it when their nervous system is in fight/flight/freeze.

Model Healthy Emotional Regulation

Let’s be real. Kids press our buttons. They annoy us. They can be frustrating. And dealing with big emotions can set off our emotions. This is all normal. Helping kids regulate emotions is hard work. You’re not failing if you’re feeling this way. If we’re struggling with emotional regulation, children see this. They’re always watching and listening.

You are your child’s best role model. Practicing emotional awareness in your life will model this to your child. Using healthy coping methods will show your child how to do this. Try your best to naming emotions when you’re upset. Talk through your feelings. Apologize when you get it wrong. Take space when you need it. The more you’re able to do this, the more your child will model you and use their skills.

Celebrate Progress Instead of Perfection

New skills take time to learn. Encourage your child by celebrating their progress. Recognising your child’s successes helps build their confidence. You noticing what they’re doing well will help your child feel encouraged. If you notice your child using emotional regulation skills cheer them on.

Encouragement can be as simple as verbally acknowledging their efforts. You’re saying ‘Hey, I see you trying!’. Thank them for trying to regulate. Give your child a hug or a hi five for regulating. Do a fun activity to celebrate. Your child is gradually making progress. They’re slowly enroute to becoming a regulated human being. What’s not to celebrate?

What Are Some Self-Regulation Strategies for Kids?

The first step to supporting your child to self-regulate is regulating your emotions. Do your best to stay calm when your child’s emotions are intense. Your calm becomes their calm and they will co-regulate with you. Then, help them to name their feelings. You can try a simple calming technique. Such as five finger breathing. Or playing with a squishy. Maybe give them a hug or cuddle together. Perhaps they need to move through their feelings. Jumping on spot, dancing, or wiggling can all help.

Having consistent, predictable daily routines will help your child with their emotions. Routines are best when they’re consistent, but not rigid. Predictable routines help your child to feel less stressed. The less stress your child feels, the more regulated they will feel. Remember to try your best to model healthy coping skills. If you’re child sees you trying to regulate your emotions, they’re more likely to also follow your lead.

How Child & Youth Therapy Can Help

Tried the above and feel your child needs more support? Sometimes children need extra support to self-regulate. Or a different space to learn the skills. Therapy can help children better understand their emotions. Working with a therapist your child will learn healthy coping strategies. They’ll also have a space to practice their skills in a calm, supportive environment. A therapist can also help coach you on different ways to support your child.

If you’d like to learn more about Child & Youth Therapy in Langley, BC or book a complimentary consultation reach out to Grounded Path Therapy.